Then and Now

I'm watching tv one night and this commercial comes on for this radio station called The Drive comes on. its a fairly new station maybe out about a year now and plays all the old classic rock from the 70's and 80's, songs i grew up with. i made a mental note to remember the station so that i can check it out in the morning to see what they were about. so the next morning i get in my car and i go to the station and all im hearing are commercials so i programmed it and waited for the car to warm up. in the back of my mind im jonesing to hear my regular station cuz the morning crew is hysterical and all im hearing now are commercials so i went back to my routine. that was yesterday.

today on my way home i remembered the station and i went to it and again...commercials but only one this time and it went right into Billy Joels, Piano Man.

its amazing how much music influences our lives. I was immediately brought to tears which really isn't a big surprise since i cry at just about anything which really pisses me off God I HATE IT!! - but anyway...i was chocking back the tears.

first it was Billy Joel, then it was Bob Dylan...who reminded me of my parents back in the day (the 70's..eeek) which brought me to memories of camping which almost always brings me to this one night when me, my sister, and my two best friends, Bella and Doreen are going to the camper, it was dark, everyone was at the campfire and of course we were too cool to sit there so as we headed into the camper the first words out of my mouth was...(and i know my sister is hysterical right about now cuz she knows whats coming) but out of my 16 yr old mouth comes..." mom's not here lets pig out" and we all laugh and ho rah, etc.....

it was dark and were camping so as were lighting the lanterns much to my surprise.....theres mom. now awake and not very happy......i can laugh about it now but back then....i can tell you it was no joke. i was probably grounded to the tent im not really sure...but i know it couldn't have been good.

then im starting to hear Pink Floyd, Led Zepplin, Boston, Elton John....which brings me to 19 when life sucked, i hated my parents (i thought) i hated living under "there rules" i avoided being home by working 3 jobs and my friends where everything to me. i was barely home. i had a 9 to 5, a 6-9 and on weekends i worked at the poolhall. my best friend Dyanna and i filled up all the hours in between doing whatever we could to fill the time. we had boyfriends, our stomping ground was the poolhall. we drank, we got high, we did everything together. it was 4 years of my life with her and my other friends from work hanging out at the church parking lot drinking and listening to this music. it was Jim and I, Dyanna and Bobby, Dave and Michelle. we did everything toghether. going to the rock club to hang out or us girls would go dancing at the Green Parrot till all hours of the night.

Led Zepplin always reminds me of Dave. He was the greatest guy ever and one of my best guy friends and he loved LZ. made me a huge fan. i always remember him when i here there songs and remember night hanging out at his house all night drinking, smoking, playing pool, he was crazy and always had something going on. all those nights hanging out at the park watching the cars go by. "crusin"...when it was ok to hang out in the street and not have to worry about drive-bys....we'd be sitting in the car and Stairway to Heaven would come on and we all would sing and play our air guitar and just have the best time. i always wondered what ever happened to them.

i remember the day i moved out of my house and into my first place. it was a room i rented for $50 a week. shortly thereafter i moved into the basement for and extra $25 a month. it was cool at the time. i was on my own. my mom and i weren't getting along and it was the right thing to do. i didn't really have much of a choice. it was rough time between us. fighting all the time. it was bad. moving helped our relationship temendously. tough love.

its so ironic how 20 years later im in the same place only this time im the mom. and though things are as good as they are going to be, still....i can now see how much pain i must have put my mom through when i was at that age. how many times ive said to myself...."i will never treat my kids that way!! i will be different." LOL....yeah right....i hear my mom everytime i open my mouth......its not funny...but it is.

Now...i look at my life and im greatful for the experience. Im glad that i have the opportunity to have that unconditional love and i know i do have it. its a great feeling. as much as it hurts at times you know its always there. and even though she is not technically my flesh and blood....i love her like my own. and i always will. and im greatful for that. and i also know that one day when she is all grown up and on her own and dealing with her own kids.....she will be thinking the same thing. and hopefully i will be around to get that call that i have made so many times to my mom telling her how sorry i was for being a rotten kid and how much i love her and realize now.....she was right.

so much influence music has on your life. 20 years of memories that each song holds.

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not really to much going on here. i look foward to wednesday night bingo. its about all i do now. i could play every night if i could afford it but i can't so i don't ...twice a week is enough. but its good to know its there if i need too get out. there really isn't much going on. Sunday made my 7 year anniversary here in Illinois. 7 years. and ive run out of things to do. i think im getting that itch. time to move on.

Im going to Vegas in June to visit Maggie for our birthdays!!! im excited. i can't wait. just waiting for the fare to go down and my mom might even come too. that would be awsome!! im really looking forward to seeing my friend and mom if she goes....though i think ill be making a trip to see mom anyway.....but since our birthdays are a day apart we decided to celebrate together and i think that would be the best birthday i have had in a very long time. especially since this is the big 4 0!!! celebrating 40 in Vegas....YEAH BABY!!! what can possibly top that!!

work is still there. im bored to tears there but im not complaining.

its FINALLY starting to warm up. thank you Jesus!! im looking foward to spring/summer....looking forward to seeing green again. ive been wanting to plant a garden but i don't know. we have dogs....they will trample and i don't want to start something i won't finish. i don't know. we'll see.

well i think that its for me. i need to shower and get ready. im so glad to be getting out of the house tonight. i think i would have gone crazy if i spend one more night at home. this town really needs to add some things to do.....im going to look into some summer activities. join leagues, get involved....DO SOMETHING!!! ok...thats it...

have a good one!!