Why Am I Here?

Another dreaded post about how boring my life is. how much it sucks right now. nothing to do, no place to go, just sucks.

im sure there are better journals to read than this......

im sure ill be singing a different tune in a couple of days when i start working again....at least then i will get out of this house. at least then i will have a car to drive to take me somewhere.....at least then i feel somewhat appreciated.

what happened to everyone? why is it that everyone is busy but me? how come im not busy? how come the phone never rings for me? how come nobody wants to hang out anymore? or hang out with me? what happened to all my friends? does anybody go out anymore? what happened to girls night out?? everyone is so busy. how come im not. i dont understand. is this a fat thing??

excuses excuses......

i think im just destined to be alone. here down under.

sometimes i just want to dissapear.

will anyone miss me?

Have a Great! Day

Graduation Day

First i want to say a big THANK YOU! for everyone who sent a comment to Sarah to congratulate her. She was really happy to get them. so thank you :o) you all rock and are awsome readers!! and i luv ya for it!!

We had a GREAT day!! The whole day worked out as planned and other than the graduation nerves themselves....This was pretty much a stress free day. I couldn't have asked for a better day. And it went a little something like this:

8am....Woke up, made a quick breakfast.

8:30 - 10:30....I straightened Sarah's hair. She has very thick hair that is naturally curly. Long small bouncy curls that look great wet, but as soon as it dries her hair does this incredible shrinking thing and goes from being past her shoulders to right up around her neck and frizzes out. She would never get that cap on unless its straightened. I normally do this once a week anyway so it was no big deal and I took my time so that it was perfect.

I keep telling y'all I gotz skilz!!

11am....She runs to the beauty shop to get a quick trim cuz her ends needed it. She was done in no time as the shop just opened and she was probably the first one there. After that she went to pick up her friend and then me and by...

Noon...Were off to shop. Sarah needed to get a new top and a pair of shoes and her friend needed to get shoes as well, plus we needed to get one of those throw away cameras cuz the digital pics always come out to dark. We gave ourselves 3 hours.

they need to be at school by 5pm. Graduation is at 6:30.

first stop.... Rainbow Shop. We looked around and they had some cute stuff but nothing that screamed "gotta have it!!". She already had the slacks to wear so we were just needing a blouse and shoes to go with it. She found a really cute pair of shoes that were perfect and pretty reasonable (on sale!) too. Until we got to the counter and she said $45.oo (reg price) and well...They weren't THAT cute! So we decided to check out the other store and if we couldn't find anything better, we would come back and get those. Her friend found a really cute pair of black sandals that were on sale so she got them.

Next stop was The Avenue. Another store with really cute stuff and she actually found some tops that were really cute and tried them on and decided on this one blouse that I really liked a lot and went really well with her pants. Best of all it was on sale and I didn't even know it!! gotta love that :o) so she got that and a lace thing to wear under it and now off to get shoes.

The shoe store...(which was conviently located two stores down)...On our way there we past a hallmark store and I realized that I never got a card for her so I snuck in there while they were looking at shoes and found a couple of cards for them and when I went back to the shoe store I was informed that everything in the store was buy on get one at half off today. So of course I say....."Does that include my daughter?" heh

they had the same shoe she picked out at the other store for half off the other store but they didn't have the color she needed. So they called another location and they did have the color so off we went to the other store where she purchased her shoes and now MISSION COMPLETE and it was only 2:15pm!!

so of course that left us time to have some lunch. Off to Subway was the food of choice and we got subs. We dropped off her friend and Sarah and I went home to eat lunch and just as planned.....

3:00pm: the "getting ready" process starts.

there was one small little glitch. I/we forgot all about the camera. So after lunch I ran out and got a camera came home to rest a little as I also worked the night before and only got about 3 hours of sleep and was pretty tired. My body was hurting really bad too due to rain we were expecting. The whole day was beautiful but we were expecting thunderstorm's. The sky was lit up bright blue with dark clouds scattered around....You can see that the storm was coming but just didn't know when. But weather wise it was perfect day. It wasn't hot or cold....Just right. and it rained just after the ceremony ended for a few minutes.

4:30: we go outside to take some before graduation pictures and I was reminded of my graduation and all the pictures we took then....But she looked really cute and yes I have pictures.....They will be posted soon. Have to get them developled.

5pm: we get to the school and Sarah leaves me and I wait with the other parents outside like a bunch a cattle waiting for them to open the doors so we can rush in to get that perfect seat in the perfect row to see your perfect child. Since we were early I was pretty much one of the first 10 to arrive therefore giving me prime spot in line. They let us into the gymnasium (?) and its relatively easy to find a good spot in the bleachers. So I sit. Now mind you the ceremony doesn't start for another hour and a half. So I sit and watch the people come in. I saved two spots for the roomie and her daughter as they were her guests and I sat. And sat. And watched. The place filled up pretty quickly and the temperature started rising as we were indoors. There were rows of bleachers on two sides of the gym and in the middle were 450 chairs waiting for the grads. It was a very emotional moment for me.

I kept thinking about all this stuff. Tears started coming....I quickly stopped that and got on the phone and called the roomies and told her to get her butt over here quick as I had to fight off many a parent for there "saved" spots. The place was filling up quickly. Finally they arrived. In such close quarters you can imagine I made a few friends like the woman sitting behind me who profusely apologized about every 2 seconds each time her knee went into my back and the gentleman in front of me who I apologized to several times for doing the same thing. The man next to me for whatever reason I got a really strange vibe from cuz whenever I would move away from him.....he got closer. Creepy.
FINALLY....I see the roomie. She of course was on the other side of the gym looking in the other set of bleachers on the other side, so I yell her name. Doesn't hear me. I'm waving my arms and I yell again. Nothing. Then as I'm waving and getting ready to yell again...The roomie looks over in my direction and everyone around me yells out her name and starts waving...It was funny. Turns out she knew the woman in front of her and we all became best buds.

while waiting for the ceremony to start...What is one to do while killing time.....Check out the people and read the program. Looking at all the names, looking at the list of all the speeches and songs we have to get through, then I hear the lady behind me say....."Wow look at this name" and proceeds to say Sarah's full (she has about 6 of them but they listed 4) name. Its a pretty name but very long. So I listened for a minute, then laughed.....Of all the names to read she picked Sarah's right off the top....LOL. I turned to my new friend and was like...."Hey! That's my daughter!!" and we both laughed. So I proceeded to point out all the walmart people I saw there, the roomie pointed out all the people she knew....I pointed out friends that I knew, kids that worked at WM, and finally the ceremony begins.

they started to come in and fill up the seats in front of us and finally I see Sarah in her gown and she looked really happy and I was so proud of her. ya know....Even though I wasn't there when she was born, I wasn't there for her first step or her first word. I never really seen much of her growing up.....I reflected back to the day when she first came into MY life, and I remember feeling that instant love a mother has for her child when they are just born and to watch her grow in the two years she's been here. She's grown in so many ways from this little girl who didn't really know anything to this grown woman who held a job for two years, got good grades in school, got her license, made friends...Good friends, made a life for herself with me here through good and rough times and now off to college. How could I not be a proud parent. So as they started to fall in, I reflected on all that and became a blubbering mess.

ok back to the ceremony.......

put the roomie and I in a room with a bunch of people we don't know and we will find just about everything wrong with this picture and crack jokes about everything that is going on. It is the funniest thing!! Of course were not loud about it...But damn funny. Like the photographer who was pretty much taking pictures of the back of this guys ear (from our view...He was most likely taking pictures of the Valedictorian who was speaking.....But from our angle...It looked like the back of this mans ear). Then he went behind this kid who was in a wheelchair and mentally challenge and you can tell the the repetitive clicking behind his head was getting to be quite annoying cuz I kept seeing him turn his head with this look of rage on him. Poor guy. The Valedictorian quickly started to sound like Charlie Browns teacher after the first 200 words as his speech was as boring as bat shit. I'm sorry but it was way to long!! They should put a 500 word limit to these things people. This kid, though smart and top of the class...Impressive....Was quoting shit from American history class. the next speech...Second in class....Salutation (?) now he was funny. I heard every word of his speech. He went up to the mike and put on these funky 2005 glasses and talked about the potty protest and had us laughing. His message of change was also really good.

we were told not to applaud after each name and that we can applaud AFTER each row was called. So of course us as Parents don't listen.....And we were hootin and hollorin at almost every name and had to be told several times....To applaud after each row!! LOL so of course when Sarah was called we hollered and laughed at ourselves. Were such rebels.

after the names were called the graduates stood and moved there tassels over to the other side of the cap and WALA! They graduated!! yaay

so we made our way through the crowd and I finally got to her and she was happy. So I was happy. Her feet hurt like hell but she made it through. It took like an hour to get out of the school it was moving soooo slow. And it was getting hot.

after that we met up with her friends family and went to dinner and had cake at there house afterwards. We ended up getting home after 11pm and we were tired. I actually had to do the work at home gig, but fell asleep and didn't wake up till 5am. I'm still tired but making it through. I've been doing the WAH gig and I'm getting really sleepy. Thank god only another 2 hours to go then its off to bed again. Sarah took the film in with her today so ill the pics scanned tonight for ya. Can't wait to see them. :o)

Have a great Holiday Weekend and be safe!
love & hugs, jeannine

Happy Friday!!

Just a quick post as i have to get some sleep. its 5am and i just finished work and i don't know why i scheduled myself to work today since i have such a busy day today.

Today is Graduation Day!!! yayaya...so much to do. we have hair appointments, nail to get done, outfits to buy, shoes to get, so much girlie stuff.....OY!!!

I kinda remember my graduation. it was fun.

ok well thats about it folks. i have 2 hours before i need to wake up and straighten hair. ill update later on.

have a good day!
hugs, jeannine

Tuesday

Hello Hello....I know its been a while. Do I start every post like this? Ugh. Oh well. well school is over and graduation is Friday and my birthday is in 14 days. Lots going on here. Work wise its been slow. Didn't work all week except for at home. That's a bummer. But I got a call today and next week I have a job for good stretch of time. So that is good. I actually do go into work tomorrow and Thursday, so that is good too. Finally get out of the house. Its such a beautiful day out today and wouldn't you know it....Sarah is out with her friends and I'm stuck at home. She's needs her own car. That will never happen though. She'll be leaving in a month and won't need it then and it will sit there. Oh well...No use complaining.

so its been pretty dull around here. I'm trying to think of something exciting to write about.....Can't think of a damn thing. OH! I've been chatting up a storm online. Its been nice finding people to talk to in the middle of the night when I'm working. Its hard though finding someone who actually wants to have a conversation that doesn't involve sex. But I've found a couple. So that's been fun.

gay pride month is June, so I plan on attending some parades around town. That will be fun.

and now I'm sure you all can go on with your lives now that you know this! LOL

well I'm outta here. I won't bore you no longer with this lame ass dribble. God I'm putting myself to sleep here.......Later!

enjoy the weather wherever you are!! Hope its warm

love & hugs

Its All About Me

I need a new phone book. I pulled out the one that I have and noticed that just about every person I have in there has been crossed out. Meaning that they are no longer at that address I have in the book. I found another book with some people in it but the book itself is so big that I just don't like using it. I need a new phone book. I've been toying with the idea of getting a day planner but ugh...Those are so hard to choose. There are so many of them and choosing the right one for you is like buying a car. It has to be perfect. I used to have one years ago and it was practically my life....But the problem is...I don't carry a purse or handbag. I'm not one to carry shit around. I have my wallet in my back pocket and my keys in the front. What else do I really need?? However....Now that I'm working I've taken to carrying a bag. A work bag. The lady from the first job gave them to us as a thank you and I really like it a lot. And so now when I go out on interviews and stuff or other jobs...I have something to hold my papers. And now a day timer. Still...I need a phone book.

I also need a change in my life. I think I need to move stuff around, throw shit out, take a trip or two, kinda like.....Find myself, I guess. I don't know. I do know that I need a change. Is this mid-life crisis talking?? Am I going through the change of life? I don't think I am. I don't really know. Work has been great. All these different jobs I'm doing...I love it. And they love me. Every job I've taken so far has praised my work. Which is a great feeling. I mean... I know I'm good....But to hear it is always nice. ;o)~ my agent is great. They just adore me and have no problems keeping me busy. Which is a good thing.

so my goals this summer is to get a better car, do some light traveling like visit my mom again, maybe get to NY to see some folks and definitely going to MA to visit my friend Mel that I have never met before but were like best of friends for the last like 3 years. She was my weight watch buddy way back when and is just a great friend now. So that is definitely on my goal list of '05. I also want to find some social (gay) groups around town and maybe make a few friends there. I just need to do something. I hope this works out for me. I hope I'm able to do it. I just need change.

"Believe in what makes you feel good. Believe in what makes you happy. Believe in the dreams you've always wanted to come true, and give them every chance to." ~Dena DiJaconi

Have a great weekend everyone
Hugs, Jeannine

Tales From The Office

So shoot me. I know its been ages. Just not into it I guess. I wonder why? I love my journal. There was a time when couldn't wait to get home so that I could write my entry for the day. Perhaps back then I had motivation and my site was a hell of a lot better than this. That's for sure. But nonetheless I loved it. I don't hold that same love anymore. And its funny cause back then I was losing all that weight and in a relationship. I was happy. Hmmm....That says a lot huh.

Well I'm still happy. Not losing any weight that's for sure, but imp happy. Somewhat. There are things I want back like that motivation I had back then. I would really love to have that back. That was awesome. But it's gone. I don't even know where to begin anymore. Anyway...

I've been working so that's good. Its boring work but its work. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open right now which is why I decided to do something else. I have this office to myself and so I can do this. The other job I had stuffing envelopes (mailing kits) was done and that was so much fun. Now I'm doing this data entry shit which is ok for now. But ugh b o r I n g!!!
Today should be my last day with this and I hope to god they don't have any more hidden around. I spoke to my "agent" (heh) and she said that there is another job waiting for me when imp done. Gotta love that!! This lady I'm working for is a stiff. The other job was so much more fun and our boss was very cool and hung out with us. The one I have now is just some old lady who barely talks to me.

So imp working on entering the data for these survey cards that they send out and my job is to input the data from all the responses. So when you get those cards in the mail asking you opinion someone actually does read them and your comments and can I just say. There are way to many people that are bored. You give them 3 lines to write an (optional) comment and they tell you their life-fucking story. I've gotten cards that had every blank space on it written with some kind of verbatim. And yes I do have to figure it out and enter it. 9 out of 10 times it has nothing to do with what the survey is about!!

It's also not your typical data entry job either. Instead of keying in the numbers, imp clicking. Which makes this process take so much longer than it has to be. I could have been done with this by day 2, but because I have to constantly look at the screen and click my options. Ughh.it Gets dragged out because the process is sooo slow. I wasn't kidding when I said b o r I n g !!!!!! Ugh..I'm falling asleep here. My eyes are burning from rubbing them.


Thanks to some psycho maniac killer, my hometown is now on the map. I'm sure you read about it. I actually found out when I got home yesterday and checked my email and my friend in Florida sent me the link to this article about the two girls who were killed about 10 blocks away from where I live. Two little innocent girls. What the hell could they have possibly done to make someone want to do this. You can't walk down the street for fear of someone kidnapping you or dogs biting you (yes this happened a few weeks ago to the roomie and her daughter) and now you can't even ride your f'ing bike in the park!! What the hell is happening to our society?? Its like you can't go anywhere or do anything anymore because you just not safe! You can't fly a plane without it blowing up, you can't go to McDonald without being shot, you can't even go to the f'ing post office for fear that some disgruntle postal worker will go insane.!! You can't eat the food for fear of poison, you can't even go trick or treating anymore without the fear of someone putting something in your candy. Why do we even bother to leave the house. Everyone is so quick to fight or kill. Nobody every thinks rationally anymore. The first instinct is to hurt. No thought. Just kill. I hope to god they find this bastard who did this. Last I heard, no evidence, no leads, and no suspects. Nothing. Which means that somewhere in my neighborhood. There is a killer at large.

Home Sweet Home.

Ok enough of that. So last Saturday Sarah and I went into Chicago again to finalize the admissions process. She got her schedule and her id picture taken now all we need to do is submit the paperwork for her housing there. This is kind of scary since we have to rely on her mom to get the paperwork done before the deadline. And well..Some things just don't take that much priority to her. So we'll see what happens.

The weather is getting nicer day by day. It's nice. The trees are starting to bloom again. Our backyard is looking really good. The room has been working her little butt off!! We now have a patio!! And she put down grass seed to some parts of the yard. There is still more to be done but so far it looks really good.

Its lunchtime now. I think I'm going to go take a walk. I've been gaining weight like crazy. One month till my birthday again. This is getting harder and harder every year. I really need to get this weight off again. It's killing me. I can feel it. But it's so hard when you're sitting all day long. The most exercise I get is getting to my car. Parking here is so bad that I have to practically park in Idaho if you don't get here early enough. And if that isn't bad just to get out of the building you have to walk 12 miles to do that! To get anywhere in this building is a hike. Which isn't a bad thing but when your sitting all day long and your legs are stiff and your feet hurt and you're so fat you can't breathe... It's a pain in the ass!!! But I manage and I get through it and one day I won't have these problems. Something will kick in and ill get that drive again. Blah blah blah...

Lets see what else has been going on. I'm still doing the work at home gig. Not as much. Mostly on weekends if were not doing anything. Its been a great help.

My car is slowly falling apart. It really doesn't do this commute very well. It hates traffic almost as much as I do. I pray that it doesn't break down on me on the highway. Sometimes it scares me a little and since I'm the only one in the world without a cell phone..I get worried. But so far she's hanging in there with me. I've had this car for 2 years now. I think that this is the longest time I've even had a car. Usually they are gone after a year. But she's a trooper. I just hope she last. Hopefully one day ill be able to get a decent car that I won't have to worry about. Like one or two years old instead of 10 or 12.

Well I think that is it for now. Hopefully ill be able to get this up on running on the site.